The Natural Selection of
PRIMORDIAL SLIME
As the Greatest Person in History
Any measure or consideration of greatness must emphasize originality, creativity, breadth and longevity. No person in history can approach the accomplishments of PRIMORDIAL SLIME, who is recognized as the father of all life on our planet. His originality and creativity, which has stood the test of time, are enough to make any other candidates slink and slide into the shadows in shame. All or most of the other candidates in this mismatch election are dead. Otherwise, they would not allow their names to be placed in nomination in a contest with their seminal ancestor, PRIMORDIAL SLIME, who is easily the natural selection for the honor of “Greatest Person in History”.
Doubtless, to get to the root of this quest, someone will nominate GENESIS, who has already received more attention than he deserves . His nomination is, however, another way of calling attention to the entire progeny of PRIMORDIAL SLIME, who ooze genius in blobs. PRIMORDIAL, in fact, begat Genesis, who begat Hortic Eden,, who begat the garden where his daughter, Eve, enlivened our lives by begetting sin and a proper attitude toward snakes. Adam, another Slimian, begat knowledge and hedonism and loved every particle of it.
For many generations the Slimians slipped sideways and backwards while they were stoned for ages, until they were shaken from their stupor and slumber by Homo Drag, who enjoyed a splash of Primordial’s genius. Drag is most remembered for begetting the forerunner of the wheel. In his/her own time he/she was the unrivaled champion of short races and sartorial uniqueness. Homo D.’s name became besmirched by its unfounded association with the concept that life is a drag. This reputation was not even overcome millennia later when Abner Doubleday, whose genes ran true back to PRIMORDIAL, squeezed the opportunity to name a daring bunt after Homo Drag.
Sliding back to the Slime line: Homo Drag begat Sparcus Emberus, who begat fire. Sparcus’ daughter, Spoka, begat the family lineage of Roland Wheel, who begat a famous song and rounded out Homo Drag’s drag. Primordial’s election was already assured, but genius still spilled from the Slimes.
Semetie Slime begat Abraham Slime, who begat twin brothers, Moesha and Abdullah, who assured the family fortune by diversification. Moesha and his clan specialized in lamb and lox, while Abdullah’s clan emphasized camels and dates. Heat from PRIMORDIAL’S subterranean decomposition turned their lands into desert, but they attributed it to the sun which they could see. Moesha’s tribe would look to the sky and say “Yaa Wha” as they wiped their brows, but Abdullah’s tribe began to respond with “Ah Lah”. Other insignificant changes in their languages after years of separation made it impossible for them to recognize their kinship until this day.
Meanwhile Hu Goo Slime made a chink for himself in the Orient trough early Nobelian experiments before settling on a much safer calling in the perfection of tableware and paper. Hu Goo begat Tra Yul Wal, who begat Coo Lee freemasonry. The Hu Goo Slime line also begat the outspoken Con Fus Us, an earlier and wiser Henny Youngman. Only recently has the confusion of his wisdom been modernized and superceded by another Slimian, Char Man Mao Buk.
Brothers Boo Doo and Voo Doo Slime enchanted Asia and Africa, respectively. Boo Doo begat Hin Doo, who preserved most of India as an S.P.C.A. compound (Slimian Protective Cattle Association). He also begat a carnivorous daughter, Cow Cutta, who was a mathematical genius. She was banished northward from her native city and begat numerous tribes who later welcomed the teachings of Moo Ha Mud Slime, who endorsed carnivority provided they pray towards Kasha, which Mo Ha Mud regarded as the final slumbering site of PRIMORDIAL SLIME, whose gifts so many had inherited and whose life-giving residue sustained generations much later after the near demise of Moby Dick’s progeny.
By accident, the Occident gained the benefits of Cow Cutta’s mathematical gifts, when Moo Ha Muddans introduced figs at one of Cow Cutta’s carnivals. Fig trading begat close contact with the West through the enterprise of Omar Al Feeg’s Humpty Dumpty Fig and Carpet Company. Some of the Al Feeg tribe later settled in Spain, where Al Gebra Feeg Arabized Calcuttian mathematics. Al Mooro Feeg later took Al Gebra’s teaching to England because he could not give satisfactory answers to the Spanish Christian theologian, Fatale Inquisitor.* Understandably, he Anglicized his name to Issac Fig, and begat Preserved Fig, who returned to the ancient family love of fig trading in partnership with Bill Newton.
The close relationship between the two families lead to the marriage of Ceedy Fig and Bill Newton XXIV, who begat a scholarly son. Issac, in whose corpuscles the Slimian strain occasionally pulsed with unprecedented brevity and clarity through a brain usually preoccupied with alchemy. Slimian instinct alone cannot account for his properly naming his mathematical invention, calculus, after the long forgotten Old Cow Cutta. As if to prove that slime is thicker than blood he soon also cut the mythological knot which had held the world in ignorance for centuries and explained by Cow Cuttian mathematics the Grand Plan for everything which PRIMORDIAL SLIME had so long ago slid into some forgotten drawer. Other mongrelizing forces had taken their toll, however, and Sir Issac mistakenly attributed the Grand Plan to a much later pedant named Primordial Clock! His error was regrettable but not serious because smaller minds could now attempt to understand Mr. Clock’s “clock”, just when it seemed, in retrospect, Slimian genius had emerged for the last time in a few centuries**
Voltaire, no Slimian he, led an enlightening movement of watered down Slimian knowledge throughout the entire Occident. Somehow he inspired a person of similar name, called Volta, who made what was thought to be an invention equal to those of Homo Drag, Sparcus Emberus, Roland Wheel, but the work of Voltaire and Volta later reached fruition in a whimper in the light bulb.
We are in a new stoned age and soon might be living in caves without real hope of enjoying any comfort from the work of Sparcus Emberus and Roland Wheel, because the genius of PRIMORDIAL SLIME has not recently reappeared and we have almost sucked up the very residue from His sand covered grave.
The fact that this election can be taken seriously demonstrates our plight. Clowns, jesters and hacks have been nominated. Only this pale account of the IMORTAL PRIMORTAL has been offered to have our Creator considered. Diluted, deluded slobs of the world unite! You have nothing to gain but a full appreciation of PRIMORDIAL SLIME! Don’t settle for peanuts. Demand a Slime! Let’s put a Slime on the cover of TIME.
*************************************************************************************
PRIMORDIAL SLIME
As the Greatest Person in History
Any measure or consideration of greatness must emphasize originality, creativity, breadth and longevity. No person in history can approach the accomplishments of PRIMORDIAL SLIME, who is recognized as the father of all life on our planet. His originality and creativity, which has stood the test of time, are enough to make any other candidates slink and slide into the shadows in shame. All or most of the other candidates in this mismatch election are dead. Otherwise, they would not allow their names to be placed in nomination in a contest with their seminal ancestor, PRIMORDIAL SLIME, who is easily the natural selection for the honor of “Greatest Person in History”.
Doubtless, to get to the root of this quest, someone will nominate GENESIS, who has already received more attention than he deserves . His nomination is, however, another way of calling attention to the entire progeny of PRIMORDIAL SLIME, who ooze genius in blobs. PRIMORDIAL, in fact, begat Genesis, who begat Hortic Eden,, who begat the garden where his daughter, Eve, enlivened our lives by begetting sin and a proper attitude toward snakes. Adam, another Slimian, begat knowledge and hedonism and loved every particle of it.
For many generations the Slimians slipped sideways and backwards while they were stoned for ages, until they were shaken from their stupor and slumber by Homo Drag, who enjoyed a splash of Primordial’s genius. Drag is most remembered for begetting the forerunner of the wheel. In his/her own time he/she was the unrivaled champion of short races and sartorial uniqueness. Homo D.’s name became besmirched by its unfounded association with the concept that life is a drag. This reputation was not even overcome millennia later when Abner Doubleday, whose genes ran true back to PRIMORDIAL, squeezed the opportunity to name a daring bunt after Homo Drag.
Sliding back to the Slime line: Homo Drag begat Sparcus Emberus, who begat fire. Sparcus’ daughter, Spoka, begat the family lineage of Roland Wheel, who begat a famous song and rounded out Homo Drag’s drag. Primordial’s election was already assured, but genius still spilled from the Slimes.
Semetie Slime begat Abraham Slime, who begat twin brothers, Moesha and Abdullah, who assured the family fortune by diversification. Moesha and his clan specialized in lamb and lox, while Abdullah’s clan emphasized camels and dates. Heat from PRIMORDIAL’S subterranean decomposition turned their lands into desert, but they attributed it to the sun which they could see. Moesha’s tribe would look to the sky and say “Yaa Wha” as they wiped their brows, but Abdullah’s tribe began to respond with “Ah Lah”. Other insignificant changes in their languages after years of separation made it impossible for them to recognize their kinship until this day.
Meanwhile Hu Goo Slime made a chink for himself in the Orient trough early Nobelian experiments before settling on a much safer calling in the perfection of tableware and paper. Hu Goo begat Tra Yul Wal, who begat Coo Lee freemasonry. The Hu Goo Slime line also begat the outspoken Con Fus Us, an earlier and wiser Henny Youngman. Only recently has the confusion of his wisdom been modernized and superceded by another Slimian, Char Man Mao Buk.
Brothers Boo Doo and Voo Doo Slime enchanted Asia and Africa, respectively. Boo Doo begat Hin Doo, who preserved most of India as an S.P.C.A. compound (Slimian Protective Cattle Association). He also begat a carnivorous daughter, Cow Cutta, who was a mathematical genius. She was banished northward from her native city and begat numerous tribes who later welcomed the teachings of Moo Ha Mud Slime, who endorsed carnivority provided they pray towards Kasha, which Mo Ha Mud regarded as the final slumbering site of PRIMORDIAL SLIME, whose gifts so many had inherited and whose life-giving residue sustained generations much later after the near demise of Moby Dick’s progeny.
By accident, the Occident gained the benefits of Cow Cutta’s mathematical gifts, when Moo Ha Muddans introduced figs at one of Cow Cutta’s carnivals. Fig trading begat close contact with the West through the enterprise of Omar Al Feeg’s Humpty Dumpty Fig and Carpet Company. Some of the Al Feeg tribe later settled in Spain, where Al Gebra Feeg Arabized Calcuttian mathematics. Al Mooro Feeg later took Al Gebra’s teaching to England because he could not give satisfactory answers to the Spanish Christian theologian, Fatale Inquisitor.* Understandably, he Anglicized his name to Issac Fig, and begat Preserved Fig, who returned to the ancient family love of fig trading in partnership with Bill Newton.
The close relationship between the two families lead to the marriage of Ceedy Fig and Bill Newton XXIV, who begat a scholarly son. Issac, in whose corpuscles the Slimian strain occasionally pulsed with unprecedented brevity and clarity through a brain usually preoccupied with alchemy. Slimian instinct alone cannot account for his properly naming his mathematical invention, calculus, after the long forgotten Old Cow Cutta. As if to prove that slime is thicker than blood he soon also cut the mythological knot which had held the world in ignorance for centuries and explained by Cow Cuttian mathematics the Grand Plan for everything which PRIMORDIAL SLIME had so long ago slid into some forgotten drawer. Other mongrelizing forces had taken their toll, however, and Sir Issac mistakenly attributed the Grand Plan to a much later pedant named Primordial Clock! His error was regrettable but not serious because smaller minds could now attempt to understand Mr. Clock’s “clock”, just when it seemed, in retrospect, Slimian genius had emerged for the last time in a few centuries**
Voltaire, no Slimian he, led an enlightening movement of watered down Slimian knowledge throughout the entire Occident. Somehow he inspired a person of similar name, called Volta, who made what was thought to be an invention equal to those of Homo Drag, Sparcus Emberus, Roland Wheel, but the work of Voltaire and Volta later reached fruition in a whimper in the light bulb.
We are in a new stoned age and soon might be living in caves without real hope of enjoying any comfort from the work of Sparcus Emberus and Roland Wheel, because the genius of PRIMORDIAL SLIME has not recently reappeared and we have almost sucked up the very residue from His sand covered grave.
The fact that this election can be taken seriously demonstrates our plight. Clowns, jesters and hacks have been nominated. Only this pale account of the IMORTAL PRIMORTAL has been offered to have our Creator considered. Diluted, deluded slobs of the world unite! You have nothing to gain but a full appreciation of PRIMORDIAL SLIME! Don’t settle for peanuts. Demand a Slime! Let’s put a Slime on the cover of TIME.
*************************************************************************************
* His clever brother stayed behind and adopted the Spanish name of Figaro.
** The Clockwork Orange well demonstrates where non-Slimian ignorance and clockery can lead.
** The Clockwork Orange well demonstrates where non-Slimian ignorance and clockery can lead.
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